From Grief and Loss to Healing
Couple to Couple League is privileged to speak with a variety of people in the course of a normal work week. Most of these podcast interviews are a celebration of achievements and journeys with joyful outcomes. Some interviews, however, have dealt with subjects of profound grief and heartbreaking loss. Three guests, Mariana Kuhlman, Kelly Breaux of Red Bird Ministries, and Ann Koshute of Springs in the Desert shared their unique yet relatable stories of sorrow and loss, and their ultimate healing and regained hope through their faith and their ministries.
Loss of a Spouse
Recently, the PeakDay podcast hosted guest Mariana Kuhlman, a new college graduate whose husband of just three days, Nate, was tragically killed in a water-skiing accident on their honeymoon in October of 2023. You would think this interview would be a somber and difficult conversation – it was anything but that. Mariana has a joyful and transcendent outlook on life unusual in one so young. She explains that over the last few months, she has been holding onto her trust in the Lord. “It surprises me how much unbreakable trust I have. I know that He loves me. I have had so many encounters with the Lord in prayer that I just know who He is, and I love Him. Believing in the Resurrection is a comfort I will always have.”
The Greatest Gift
That trust was put to an even greater test one week after Nate’s funeral, on Thanksgiving Day, when Mariana, knowing she was slightly late with her cycle and with the thought that taking a pregnancy test would lay any remaining questions to rest, discovered to her great shock and joy that she was pregnant. “It was a joyful, joyful surprise to me.” With her son due to be born in July, she says, “My soul is joyful, yet my heart still breaks. My son will have to live in this reality without his father. Heaven will be truly real to him knowing that his Heavenly Father is there, and his earthly father is, too.”
Mariana is thankful that she and Nate lived their brief life together knowing that Heaven was their ultimate goal, and she can pass that joyful news to their son. She does not feel that any pregnancy is untimely. Before the wedding, her bridesmaids had teased her about the wedding night and Mariana, who had been charting her cycles since high school, believed she and Nate were “in the clear, charting-wise.” But with her honeymoon pregnancy, she knows in a powerful way that it was “what God wants – that takes my breath away. It’s the greatest gift. What a privilege that we get to participate in creation. All life is a gift.” As Mariana awaits the birth of her and Nate’s child, she continues to live one day at a time, steeped in her deep trust in the Lord.
Miscarriage
After experiencing the loss of four children, preborn and born, Kelly Breaux’s, and her husband Ryan‘s, suffering gave inspiration to found Red Bird Ministries. Begun as a small, parish-based grief ministry, Red Bird has become a grief accompaniment program that is recognized nationally, with chapters that have expanded globally. Being intentionally peer-led and bringing in spiritual directors and Catholic counselors and therapists, all who have experienced loss, allows Red Bird to be more intimate and take grieving families farther in their healing.
Here are 3 key steps Kelly recommends for those who have experienced a loss.
#1 -Tell your story – Either verbalizing it or writing it down helps to process the physical sensations associated with grief. Sharing your story can give others the vocabulary to share their story, as well.
#2- Seek out others on the same journey – Being in community breaks that feeling of isolation and subsequent turmoil. Others can help you see things from a healthier perspective. They can help you get to the next step in your journey.
#3- Communication between spouses is key – If you communicate differently, you are going to grieve differently. Staying connected, frequent sharing of thoughts and feelings, and realizing your spouse will have a unique way of grieving all go a long way in avoiding disquiet in a marriage.
Human and spiritual maturity is a key to healing, as well. Catholic anthropology tells us that we humans are body, mind, and soul. Asked how one can process their grief through faith, Kelly says, “We cannot separate our healing and compartmentalize it into different spaces. We must process it together. Healing needs to be holistic, so we don’t just survive but thrive.”
Infertility and Loss
At 44 and 46 years old when they married, Ann Koshute and her husband, Keith, worked with a physician certified in NaPro Technology, but never were able to conceive a child. Her experience showed her that God is the author of life and things are not ultimately in our control. She says, “With every month, with every negative pregnancy test, it was just really hard. Looking back, I can see the gifts that we were given during that time. I can see where God was at work in our marriage.” Ann and Keith were at an age and in a situation where adoption was not a part of the conversation. They began to discuss the areas where they could be life-giving.
Asking the Lord what He wanted to do for their marriage and longing to hear that their family of two was a beautiful thing, Ann and a friend, who was having a similar experience, co-wrote an article about their infertility journey called Springs in the Desert. To offer readers of the article support, they decided to start a website on which they blogged about infertility. Thus, their Springs in the Desert ministry was born out of necessity. Leaning on each other so they would not feel so isolated, they discovered a lot of other people needed support in carrying the cross of infertility, too.
Standing Together
“Having that kind of support makes all the difference in the world. You can feel isolated and inadequate. It is hard to stand with someone at the cross,” Ann says. Having a community of others who have a common understanding of the emotions of infertility makes a difference. “They begin to feel seen, understood and heard. Springs in the Desert points couples toward Christ, toward each other, and toward the unique fruitfulness that God has planned for them.”
The website states, “By keeping our focus on Christ, not on conception, we give witness to His Divine love and mercy and the goodness of His plan for our lives. We make space for deeper renewal in our relationships with ourselves, our spouses, and God.”
For those carrying the cross of infertility, Ann offers these two statements of encouragement.
First, God loves you and your marriage is so good. Your marriages are a needed witness in the world to faithfulness and fidelity. Second, You are radically available to be of service to the world. Offering yourselves to others is necessary in society today. Ann says it is a real privilege to receive the tears, share the stories and know that Springs in the Desert is a space where the Holy Spirit can come in and do His healing work. It’s a place of respite, focusing on the spiritual and the marriage of the couple.
Originally written for CCL Family Foundations.