No Masculinity, No Fatherhood

Less than half of American children reach adulthood with both parents at home.(1)  It’s usually not moms who leave. Dads do. Approximately 80% of single-parent homes are led by single mothers.(2) At this moment, 19.5 million US kids live without a resident father. That equates to the entire population of New York City (with suburbs) full of fatherless kids. American fatherlessness has risen in lockstep with American contempt for masculinity. That’s not an accident. The deconstruction of masculinity has fueled the decline in fatherhood. How so?    

Boys to Men

The old saying goes “boys will be boys,” but there is perhaps an overlooked desire in the male psyche equally worthy of note: “boys want to be men.” Held within the mind’s eye of every wild-eyed young boy is an image, not of who he is, but of the man he wants to become. The trick to ensure that boys become good men is making sure they have the right picture in mind. Famed sociologist David Gilmore argues that male initiation rites are nearly universal across time and place (3),  and that across cultures they seem to play a common role. The purpose of most initiation rites was and/or is to validate and encourage a young boy’s quest for masculinity and to ensure that young boys the become the right kind of men.  

While some initiation rites are rather peculiar, others serve to instill within young men a set of praiseworthy masculine qualities. For example, most initiation rites require that participants engage in some form of self-sacrifice to instill within young men the understanding that self-sacrifice is part and parcel of mature masculinity. Others instill the value of risk-taking. Historically speaking, almost all cultures across time and place were keenly interested in cultivating and affirming masculinity within their young men. Further, almost all cultures across time and place had traditions in place to ensure that a specific version or image of masculinity was instilled in their young men. At least historically, for most cultures, masculinity mattered.    

View of Masculinity

Our culture is different. Certain influences in western society are bent on destroying masculinity. Consequently, our cultural picture of masculinity is blurred, and many would argue that it deserves to be blotted out altogether. For example, the dominant opinion of the contemporary American psychological establishment is that masculinity is a harmful social construct which should be destroyed. In his 2021 article published in the American Psychological Association’s journal Psychology of Men and Masculinities, Brian P. Cole notes that the lion’s share of research conducted on male psychological traits implicitly treats those traits as negative.(4)  Cole notes that in the 20-year history of perhaps the most globally influential psychological journal on masculinity, only 15% of the articles published took what he classified as a positive view of masculinity and the rest treated masculine traits as negative.

Enormous portions of the contemporary academy maintain that masculinity is a toxic cultural construct. Of course, negative references to masculinity are not limited to academia. In any given month, negative allusions abound in the entertainment industry, popular media, and politics. Both in academia and in society at large, masculinity has a bad reputation. They claim masculinity is an invention – literally a “construction” – of the cultural imagination and it hurts people. Thus, the machismo construction or “myth” called masculinity needs to be de-constructed and thrown out. 

Map to Fatherhood

Once this deconstruction takes place, our boys no longer have an image of good masculinity. Without a model to guide them, young boys become confused men. And confused men do not become fathers, at least not good fathers. By destroying masculinity, our culture has destroyed a boy’s map to fatherhood. No masculinity, no fatherhood. And, just to state the obvious, this is a painfully bad thing. As illustrated by groups like the National Fatherhood Initiative (www.fatherhood.org), the presence of an involved father positively correlates with a child’s success in almost all relevant sociological metrics including educational success, psychological stability, and future job performance. Conversely, the absence of an involved father does the opposite – correlating with things like poverty, infant mortality, and prison. To deconstruct masculinity is to deconstruct fatherhood, and to deconstruct fatherhood is to hurt children. 

So where do we go from here? Is there a way forward for men? I certainly hope so. If there is a path forward for masculinity, that path is neither machismo masculinity nor the deconstruction of the masculinity myth. Rather, the way forward is a deeper appreciation for what one might refer to as authentic masculinity. That is, a picture that contemplates the actual, God-given talents of men, and considers how those talents might be harnessed in the kingdom of God. I do not think masculinity will ever be figured out with mathematical precision. Sexual difference is more a beauty to be contemplated than a riddle to be solved.

A Guide

Nevertheless, the journey towards authentic masculinity did not begin yesterday, and the road already travelled has left us as a guide for the journey yet to come. Here are a few pointers for painting a picture of masculinity for us, our friends, and our sons. 

The first pointer is more a warning than a positive recommendation: whatever our picture of the masculine genius may include, that picture cannot be so restrictive as to exclude diverse kinds of men. That is, we cannot adopt a cookie-cutter masculinity. A holy man might be an NFL quarterback as much as he may be an artist, an intellectual, or a businessman. Our understanding of masculinity must be flexible enough as to allow for expression in a wide variety of contexts. Thus, I encourage all men to ask themselves a few questions. What kinds of men do you lift up in conversation around your friends and around your kids? Do you speak about manly journalists or only manly linebackers? If the latter, you might consider making a change. 

Be a student of true masculinity.

As Christians who believe in sexual difference as a divine creation, our picture of masculinity should be rooted in sound science, not culturally constructed folk theories. Counterfeit versions of Christianity are prone to lean on folk theories over real ones. It was these theories which partially produced the machismo male to which our culture is reacting. Whether it be evolutionary biology, developmental psychology, or some other field, we need to come to a deeper understanding of what constitutes our anthropological male raw material. Once we understand that material, we will be in a better position to guide the formation of virtuous men. Books like Louann Brizindine’s “The Male Brain,” or the various books of Leonard Sax, might be helpful here. Be a student of true, data-based masculinity, not a cult-follower of a folk theory. 

Look to the saints!

Tradition abounds with a wide array of masculine men – poets, mystics, kings, politicians, preachers, martyrs, and businessmen – all of whom constitute concrete examples of authentic masculinity. Consider the masculinity of people like Isaac Jogues, Benedict of Nursia, Thomas Aquinas, Francis of Assisi, and others. What does masculinity look like in the saints? If we find an answer to that question, we will be well on our way to a deeper appreciation of authentic masculinity.     

Fathers (grandfathers, uncles, friends!), let’s cultivate an authentic masculinity so our young boys have an image of what he can become. When cultures support the father-son bond through a picture of masculinity that cherishes fatherhood, fathers thrive, sons thrive! 

Footnotes

  1. For reference see the Index of Belonging and Rejection at www.MARRI.us 
  2. Cf.  Current Population Survey, 2006 Annual Social and Economic (ASEC) Supplement (PDF), Washington: United States Bureau of the Census, 2006, archived from the original (PDF) on March 4, 2013 
  3. Cf. David Gilmore, Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity (Yale University Press: New Haven, 1990), 220. 
  4. Brian P. Cole, “Psychology of Men and Masculinities’ Focus on Positive Aspects of Men’s Functioning: A Content Analysis and Call to Action” Psychology of Men and Masculinities Volume 22, No. 1 (2021), 39-47.  

Written by: John Bishop, PHd – John Bishop is the Founder and Executive Director of FORGE, which is committed to fighting the decades-long corrosion of the family by cultivating exceptional husbands, fathers, and marriages — providing crucial resources for all aspects of family life. His featured course, Fathers and Sons: Conversations on Sex Ed, Marriage, and Masculinity, can be found at MyForge.org.