Learning to Love NFP
Carlos de la Torre and Mariana Lopez have been married for fifteen years and have four beautiful children. They both have a background in software engineering and Mariana is now a stay-at-home mom who homeschools their children. They have been enthusiastic NFP teachers for almost ten years. However, when they began their marriage, they were worlds apart in their thinking about NFP. Here is their story of how they came to learn to love NFP.
Céline: Carlos and Mariana, where did you meet?
Carlos: We met in Mexico City at a software engineering company where we both worked. Mariana grew up Catholic and I was a strongly practicing Protestant. Although we were good friends, we were not interested in dating at first. We eventually decided to take the leap and started dating. It felt like God was guiding us despite our differences. We dated for four and a half years. Finally, we decided to mutually respect each other’s religious backgrounds and get married.
Céline: Since you came from different backgrounds, did you always share the same stance on NFP?
Mariana: As a Catholic, I was firm about avoiding any form of artificial birth control. Carlos only realized I was serious about NFP a few weeks before our wedding. It wasn’t stubbornness that kept me from considering birth control; it was my conscience. We had a very big argument about it. Despite our strong relationship, Carlos thought we would have to call off the wedding. We could not compromise. It was heartbreaking and frustrating because I loved him. However, I felt like I had to choose between him and God.
Carlos: For me, it was a shock to find out Mariana was serious about using NFP. I had agreed to take the class, but cycle tracking and periods of abstinence seemed too impractical to expect from a busy, modern couple. During that difficult week when our wedding was canceled, she challenged me to propose an alternative method to NFP.
Through my research, I discovered some concerning things about the Pill, such as its negative side effects for women’s health and its abortive nature. In the end, I realized I didn’t have a good answer for her. I thought to myself, “I love this woman and I want to marry her, so I am going to accept this and leave it in God’s hands.” The wedding was on again and we got married.
Céline: How did the discrepancy in your standpoints on NFP affect your marriage?
Mariana: When Carlos agreed to use NFP, I knew he was not 100 percent on board, but he accepted it because he loved me. For the first few years of our marriage, I felt very lonely charting on my own. I wanted NFP to work to prove to Carlos that it did, but I struggled with my own doubts. Over time, I was amazed to discover that NFP actually worked! We were able to conceive and postpone pregnancy when we planned to. During this time, however, we never addressed our disagreement about NFP, which was quite challenging.
Carlos: As time went on I started noticing some benefits that surprised me. Practicing NFP didn’t feel like the tragedy I expected it to. We became good at being romantic without always being physical. I also noticed that our periods of abstinence built up anticipation and created little honeymoon phases in our relationship. The final and most impactful benefit of NFP was that it taught me to have better control over my thoughts. During those times of abstinence, I learned the benefit of purity in thought, which helped me to grow in my spiritual life.
Celine: When did you become united about NFP as a couple?
Mariana: We didn’t talk about NFP for years, and I kept thinking that one day Carlos would say we needed to find a different method of family planning, but it never happened. Little did I know that he had been telling all his friends how great NFP is! One day, he came to me and said he was interested in becoming Catholic. I think when he realized that the Church’s teaching on Natural Family Planning, which he had opposed for so long, was now helping him have a happy marriage, he started to wonder what other Church teachings might also influence his perspective.
Céline: Why did you decide to start teaching NFP, and what do you find most rewarding about it?
Carlos: We know from our own experience that even if a couple is not open to NFP right away, we are planting a seed that will hopefully grow for them the way it did for us. Sometimes we bump into couples years later who took one of our classes, and they thank us because NFP changed their marriage. It is so rewarding to share something with others that you know is so helpful for a successful marriage, and that you have seen the fruits of in your own lives.
Written for Family Foundations magazine by Celine Gaeta.