Dear Colleague: I almost used the term "Fellow Sufferer"(!), as I once wrote a letter (unpublished) to CCL myself expressing many of the same frustrations that you described and received a very thoughtful encouraging (private) response from CCL Founder John Kippley.

I was quite motivated myself to use NFP, and thought that it was what the Lord wanted me to do (and still do), and we, too, had to delay lovemaking on our honeymoon. However, I tried to respond to such disappointments via a sense of humor, and I guess this habit comes from my English background, where this was one of the ways we "coped" with life's problems. My wife had two high temperatures leading up to our wedding day, which should have added a third, but just as I was signing the book she whispered, "My temperature just went down, so we have to start counting again!" My face developed an ashen color as the news sank in, and at that moment the photographer said, "Smile!" We still have the photo on the wall and this inside joke has raised many a laugh from family members when we explain the background. Also, there are other things that can delay lovemaking on a honeymoon, other than NFP, so when people ask if we made love before we were married, the answer is "no and not for quite some time after!"

When we get into married life with all the job-pressures, learning to cope with kids, learning to live together etc., we have to be honest that NFP is not easy. I guess that's why only a small fraction of people use it, even Catholics. However, as a convert myself, I never expected life to be easy. Our Lord talked a lot about "carrying the cross" and certainly did not have an easy life Himself, so why should it be problem-free for us?

What was hardest for me, and I see echoes of this in your letter, was when my wife added to these difficulties. Of course there are always two points of view and I suspect that your wife would have something to say on the matter, but it seems that you are like me, in that NFP is a much bigger burden for you than her. I resented it when I had "counted the days" (always more than half the month), only to find that she "needed" another day (and another?). This was very hard for me as I found it almost impossible to sleep on such nights, would lie awake "seething" for hours, missing the sleep that I needed to cope with the next day's work-problems. You seem to have something similar going on when you say that your wife refuses to take her temperature, as this involves "getting up early in the morning." This is puzzling, as all my wife did was to set the alarm five minutes before she planned to get up, insert the thermometer, and hit the "snooze" button. You can either read it then or leave it until the evening, so this involves only a minimum disturbance to one's sleep-habits and might help indicate an extra day or more, in the event of an early ovulation.

It seems to me that you would both benefit from getting some independent guidance from a sympathetic counselor, possibly a priest if you both know/trust one, as you seem rather "angry" at the moment, and I know the feeling well. What do you do if she refuses to seek counseling (like my wife)? Well, I guess the first thing you do is pray a lot, and go to confession (if you are Catholic?). I remember this sacrament helped dissolve much of the anger I carried, and gave me the strength to accept what she could (or was willing) to give. Also, getting rid of the resentment may help her be more "generous," if she feels less "pressured," as happened in my case? You can also seek her input on what kind or "romancing" might be more appropriate for her? After all of this, I didn't get to make love as much as I wanted (and still don't), but I felt that I was "carrying my cross" and following Jesus in that I refused to seek "consolations" elsewhere, even though the average English guy currently has 10 partners in his life. That wasn't for me and I had to hope that whatever sacrifices I made would be rewarded elsewhere.

These are a few thoughts that came to mind on reading your letter. I don't want to be too negative, as I love my wife and am fortunate to have her. I would just like to make love to her more often! Hang in there.