Does NFP Put a Strain on Marriage?

by Herbert F. Smith, S.J.

Life is a strain. It is a struggle and an aspiration to growth and betterment. “Through many tribulations we must enter the kingdom of God” (Acts 14:22). If a couple is immature, undisciplined, unrealistic or just plain selfish, there will be strain.

A couple has to agree to the requirements of NFP. This involves sacrifice. Is that a strain? Clearly, it depends on the couple. It depends on their love, morality and religion — even their physical and psychological states.

Often, the wife fears that her husband will not agree to NFP. One doctor gave me his opinion: if the husband won’t agree, the marriage is already in trouble.

NFP can ease the strain of marriage. Couples find peace in NFP’s religious, moral, health, financial and aesthetic advantages. The husband who loves his wife, her body and her health finds devotion and closeness to her by living in harmony with her body’s rhythms. The couple dedicated to God and his will and the good of society finds a special peace and joy in living fully attuned to the harmonies which the Creator has impressed upon creation.

Couples who are on the rebound from harmful methods are often more appreciative of NFP than newlyweds who have no idea of the blessing that has entered their lives.

Not strain but bliss comes to spouses who learn, during abstinence, to court one another all over again in the chaste ways of courtship. It keeps alive their whole relationship from the day they met. The rhythm of separating and uniting has been described by more than one couple as a cycle of courtships and honeymoons.

In a poll by Nona Aguilar, less than 1% of the NFP couples tabulated had been previously married and divorced, yet 70% had been married six years or more. These couples have certainly found some way of coping with strain. It may be NFP.

One question comes down to this: Does sexual restraint put a strain on marriage? The honest answer seems to be that it is the best preservative of marriage.

In 1984, the feminist Germaine Greer revised her opinion of the sexual revolution. She now maintains that it duped women into thinking there was something wrong with them if they were not promiscuous, and so it encouraged them to “endanger their bodies” with contraceptives. She concluded that the sexual revolution has worsened the status of women.

Excerpts of her book in the Sunday Times of London provoked a flood of letters. But most agreed with her on one point: sexual restraint can enhance sexual pleasure.

The restraint required by NFP is not a strain if seen in a positive light. But couples who pay the cost as matter-of-factly as they pay their food and rent bills escape the strain.

Some fail to see NFP in an adequately positive light. One wife who practiced it for 10 years admitted that it worked, it required only about 10 days of abstinence, and it gave her peace of conscience. But she regretted and, it seems, resented its demands. Why not rather:

1. Accept reality. There is no painless family planning. Life has its burdens. Jesus told us we must carry our cross daily, but with Him the burden is light. The abstinence required by marital chastity may be for the many the only cross or burden felt on a periodic basis and, therefore, a salutary reminder of their journey with Christ.
2. Accept cheerfully at least the unavoidable burdens of life. “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor 9:7).
3. Be grateful for the best there is, the method which God, nature and devoted researchers and teachers have given us.

Two men looked out through prison bars.
The one saw mud, the other stars.

In the end there are two contrary attitudes among NFP users. The couples who have integrated sexuality into the wholesome wholeness of their love employ NFP as their servant. As masters of NFP they are pleased with their servant. The couple who fail to see intercourse as part of their love — who identify love primarily with intercourse — see NFP as a domineering master. They may remain its slaves, but they will always nurse sullen resentment.

It is Nona Aguilar’s insight that intimacy is the goal of romance. NFP leads to, cajoles, requires and inspires intimacy. Where it is achieved, it brings great rewards. Any strain occasioned by NFP is more than offset by the greater strains it dissolves.

— Excerpted with permission from Natural Family Planning: Why It Succeeds by Herbert J. Smith, S.J.