First of all, let me say that I read a lot of pain and anguish in your letter. It appears that you desire to have a better relationship with your wife. My first advice to you is to sit down and watch “The Passion” movie by Mel Gibson. It would be a good exercise in faith and humility to watch this with your wife. Afterwards, spend some time in prayer, asking God how He would have you treat each other. I think you may find that by reflecting upon Christ’s intense suffering in the Passion, you may just find that your pain and suffering in your marriage is not as big of a problem and not as awful as you are currently believing it to be.
Second, after you both spend some time in prayer, you need to both reflect upon the good qualities of each other – think of at least 25 good things, go to your separate rooms, and write them down. Then, for about 15 minutes, sit down and write the story of how you met your wife, and how attracted you were, what attracted you to her. Write about how beautiful she was and still is, and what things still make her attractive to you. She needs to do the same for you. If you end up having trouble, and start to write anything negative, rip the paper into shreds. Pray, and then start over. Do not share your writing until you have written something that will make the other person happy. This is all about being positive and building each other up, not tearing each other down. You can include things about your children in this too, as long as it dwells only on the positive aspects.
Next, you need to both have an honest discussion about what God’s purpose for marital relations is – it is both procreative and unitive. Only you and your wife can together in prayer discern God’s will and desire for being open to children, but perhaps your frustrations stem from a frustrated desire for more children. I think when NFP becomes “hard” for people, they really need to first of all ask themselves if they really do have a grave reason for avoiding more children, or if they are doing it for the sake of feeling more comfortable financially and otherwise.
There is no doubt in my mind that raising children is one of the most difficult, if not the most difficult job on Earth. I also know that being pregnant and giving birth are not very easy things to do either. Being very sick and very sensitive to odors is not a pleasant thing to go through for nine months. Children are expensive to raise and continually tear your house apart, whine, cry, and test your patience. I am speaking from experience, as we have a 4-month-old, a 2-year-old, and a 3-year-old. Sometimes I look at my contracepting friends and think on one hand, “How nice to be able to say, ‘I’m done with raising children’”. Then on the other hand, I wonder how they will feel in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years when they begin to realize and wonder about the children they could have had – the ones God intended them to have. What blessings and joys are they missing out on? They will never know, and they will always feel an empty space in their heart for those children whom they should have and could have had in their lives.
It is easy to look at your contracepting neighbors and be envious of their ability to “enjoy themselves” whenever they want – but are they truly happy thwarting God’s will for their lives? Television makes intimate relations seem so dreamy, so perfect, so wonderful….. but in reality, it is not always so.
I would take a hard look at your wonderful and loving wife and have some serious discussion with her. Why is it that she seems to be withdrawing from you? Is it possible that she is experiencing or has experienced some sort of pain during relations? Could this be one of the reasons why she is limiting you? Perhaps she needs to see a good ob/gyn for some medical consultation in this area. There may be things that the doctor can recommend to make things less painful during intercourse (if this is indeed a problem). You mention that she has PMS. I wonder if perhaps she also has endometriosis, which could cause her pain during intercourse.
Next, I would recommend that you and she plan on being celibate for at least two months while the two of you work on really talking to each other and courting each other. There is nothing like a long span of marital celibacy to really increase and intensify your desire for each other. (Having experienced this for medical reasons, I can well attest to this fact!) I realize that you are now screaming, “CELIBACY???? That’s exactly opposite of what I want at this time!” However, I think that you might be pleasantly surprised at how, when you “back off”, and let your wife seek you out, how much smoother things will go. Yes, you might have to go for some time without having your physical desires satisfied. However, consider that during Lent, we give something up for a time – 40 days, to be precise – and how extremely wonderful it becomes when you finally do have it.
When I was in college, I decided that I was going to eat all of the junk food and desserts that I was not allowed to have while growing up. Instead of water, I drank pop, juice, or lemonade. I think my diet consisted mainly of sugars and fats – junk, to be precise. I found it amazing when after awhile, all I craved was water and a nice home-cooked meal – a sumptuous roast and mashed potatoes. The moral to this story is this: when we have something whenever we want it, it soon becomes boring and routine. Removing the procreative aspect from your marital relations may appear to you as the perfect solution, but in fact I believe it will cause you even more unhappiness and divisiveness in your marriage.
