I was in your wife’s shoes. Phase I and III were out because I simply wasn’t in the mood at those times, and Phase II was out because we weren’t seeking conception. Very honestly, this worked just fine for me. Most women don’t have the same degree of need for sexual intimacy as men do, and because it takes many women a while to warm up, it seems more like work. It really wasn’t any big deal to me if we weren’t sexually active (though before we married – as virgins – I couldn’t WAIT for married life!). And then I saw what I had been doing. I had been completely self-centered and selfish. My only concerns had been what was convenient for ME. What worked for ME. What suited MY needs, MY moods, MY interests. Not once had I stopped to consider my husband’s position – HIS needs for sexual intimacy, HIS desire to connect with me, HIS need to show me affection, HIS need to feel like a married man.
I see the same tendencies and excuses in your wife’s behavior:
- “She’s not interested during her period...”
- “She’s also not interested when she’s got PMS, which, of course, coincides with most of Phase III.”
- “My wife has refused point blank to take her temperature, since this involves getting up early in the morning.”
- “She rolls her eyes and tells me that I haven’t “romanced” her enough to “earn” sex.”
One of the great intended benefits of marriage is sex!... Your wife is denying you that. Not NFP. There are a number of things your wife can and should do to strengthen your marriage and your sex life (which are deeply connected). In my own experience, I found these efforts to be greatly worthwhile:
- Pray daily for my husband and thank God for him (this keeps me in a thankful — not selfish — mindset.)
- Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I can't overstate the impact of this book on my marriage and sex life. Regardless of how someone feels about Dr. Laura, the truths in this book are astounding, and quite an eye-opener for women who (like me) have a tendency to dismiss or override their husbands. Any time I sense that I’m getting “nasty” towards my husband, I start re-reading this book, and logic and compassion return to my heart and my marriage.
- Read Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (or Families), especially Habit 1, which talks about the necessity of making conscious choices according to our values. I learned that if I truly value my marriage, I will MAKE myself interested in sex if for no other reason than because it brings joy to my husband and his joy is my joy. In this partnership of marriage, I must intentionally put aside my selfishness and think of my husband, just as he does for me on many other occassions.
- Exercise regularly, eat right and take vitamins. I would recommend the Body-for-Life approach by Bill Phillips. By feeding her body well (with food and exercise), a woman can do a great deal to stabilize her hormones and thereby her mood tendencies and sexual interest. In my own experience, proper care of my body led to feeling better about intimacy, having stronger self-esteem, eliminating the monthly “retaining water”, and significantly minimizing my mood swings.
All of these things took effort and time. But my husband was worth it. My marriage was worth it. We still follow NFP; the plan hasn’t changed, but I have. And it is because of my conscious efforts to be compassionate, passionate, and selfless that our marriage is thriving within the guidelines of NFP. This the only way any marriage can thrive — selfless partnership.
I am so sorry for your pain ... largely because I think my husband felt similarly for several years. I pray most sincerely that your wife will come to recognize that your needing and wanting her are compliments in the highest regard. And that, in response, she will welcome and encourage that connection by building her character and health to the level of a true partner in marriage. God bless.
