In our case, Phase I permits four or five non-menstrual opportunities for making love. Phase II is usually 11–13 day of sleeping with our backs to each other to avoid temptation. During Phase III, usually 10–11 days, while I cherish the closeness to my husband, my physical desire to make love all but disappears. In total, there are only 14–16 “safe” days a cycle for us. This does strain our relationship at times. Tense and feeling isolated, we bicker more and find ourselves being short with the children. I don’t have a solution but some tips that may help.

First, I take Optivite and flaxseed oil regularly. Four out of five friends who take these experience reduced PMS symptoms and a general leveling of their moods and tension. A more relaxed wife will be more open to making love. I have found these supplements also help shorten my fertile phase. 

To further reduce Phase II abstinence, we started using a British product called Persona that accurately identifies ovulation. Erratic morning temperatures make it difficult for us to identify the start of Phase IIII. Persona tests for the chemicals released at the beginning of fertility and after ovulation via a simple urine test. You wife has a three-hour window in the morning to perform the test and need not wake early. Unlike ovulation detectors, this devise remembers past fertility, factors in current chemical tests and identifies fertility with a green or red light. It displays an “O” on the screen when you have ovulated.

NFP is much more accurate in detecting fertility but we found this tool very helpful in isolating ovulation and reducing Phase II. I would not use it a sole means of fertility awareness. I became pregnant when I did that. But this tool could substitute for your wife’s thermometer and be used in conjunction with her mucus observations. The biggest downside is it’s expensive: $150 to purchase, $15-18 for the test sticks. It can only be purchased online.

Note from CCL: We do not recommend the use of Persona for postponing pregnancy. It was developed to help couples achieve pregnancy by detecting the surge in hormones right before ovulation. Taking into consideration sperm life of up to five days, this device does not provide enough advance warning to prevent pregnancies from marital relations on the days leading up to ovulation.

From a woman in a similar dilemma, I loathe saying no to my husband. It puts all the pressure on me. I wish he would read the chart and discuss the matter with me. Communication is so essential with NFP. 

I don’t know your exact situation but your wife may have some resentments of her own. We women are famous for acting upset about one thing and actually being upset about another. She may say you haven’t romanced her enough when she’s really upset you haven’t touched your “honey do” list, are not helping enough around the house, may have snapped at her one morning, or didn’t say goodnight one night. We are a fickle bunch! Give it some thought. Making love is not an option when I’m upset with my husband. Men seem able to put aside differences and “resolve them” by making love. Women need verbal communication for resolution first. She may initiate if she feels no pressure and feels emotionally close and connected to you. Spontaneity may return. 

I speak from experience when I say contraception puts more pressure on women, completely kills our sex drive, makes PMS intolerable and leaves us feeling “used” and disconnected from our partners. It would only make your situation worse. I hope my tips will help you and your wife.