In spite of the lashing that CCL received for the disappointment NFP has brought you, beneath those words is a desperate plea for help. Allow me to share some thoughts.
Incredibly, NFP is not to blame. Why? Because there are PLENTY of couples who use artificial contraception who voice the same hurt, anger, and resentment. One of the lies that the contraceptive movement has promised is that sex would be spontaneous, more exciting, etc. Yet, what a horrific price our society has paid for such unbridled hedonism! Hormonal contraceptives are known for the effects they have on women's reduced libido. I know of one friend in particular who admitted that even though she and her husband could have sex whenever they wanted, she never felt like having sex because the desire was stifled as a result of the artificial hormones racing through her body. And let's not overlook the common complaint that women feel used rather than appreciated when hubby can just 'hit and run' thanks to the 'freedom' contraception provides.
Throughout the letter, marital relations are constantly referred to as 'having sex', 'ask for sex,' etc. On a personal note, I detest that phrase because it lacks any intimacy; it reduces the marital act to just mere copulation rather than the renewal that Our Lord created it to be. Plus, if I may share a private matter, my husband and I are recovering from a major marital crisis that has diminished my trust in him. So when he approaches me for "sex", I'm simply not interested because that's only what it is for me, sex, not the 'making love' that I had married him for. 'Love' implies trust, faithfulness, seeking the other's satisfaction. And that's not what has materialized when we come together physically, so I simply don't seek it.
Phase II wasn't meant to be a time of sexual repression. Rather, it's for expressing the love and intimacy in more creative ways. The different definitions for romancing, according to your wife, can certainly be frustrating, so that whole issue needs to clarified between the two of you.
Some issues to consider for your wife's lack of interest:
Nutrition has much to do with PMS and low libido. Is she getting enough rest? Is her diet setting her up for these symptoms? Is she taking the correct vitamin and mineral supplements? Have the both of you read CCL's book, Fertility, Cycles, and Nutrition? Might your wife be predisposed to mental/emotional issues that contribute to the lack of interest, say, for example, bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, etc? Did she suffer sexual abuse during childhood?
Marriage is a give-and-take sacrifice, so her refusal to take temps is disturbing and certainly affecting the most accurate charting and interpretation of NFP. I take my temps at 5:30 every morning, but I never wake up and get the day started at that time. I just press snooze, stick the thermometer in, wait for the beeps, then go right back to sleep. Let's see, 18 years ago you took the course, so there were the glass thermometers back then. Does your wife know that now the thermometers are digital so taking temps require a little less fuss and are a bit more accurate? Is she able to go back to sleep or is she one of those that once the alarm goes off, she can't settle back down?
The issue that resonates in your letter is not so much NFP being a problem, but the lack of effective communication, in which case, marital counseling is highly recommended. I can only base this on the letter, which is a limited source of information. There's always two sides to every story.
I commend you for writing that letter for two reasons: 1) you've let it out, so it's a little less tension you're holding inside; 2) you will be amazed and humbled by the support and emphathy the reading audience will provide.
A word of caution: DO NOT resort to pornography to satisfy your sexual desires. It's addictive, destructive, and causes more problems than it resolves.
My heart goes out to you and your wife, and to your children who, I imagine, might be caught in the middle of this struggling relationship.
