My wife and I have been married for 15 years and have four children. I became a Catholic two years ago and we began using NFP shortly thereafter. My response does not address NFP directly, but relates my own experience.

For most of our marriage, we used birth control. We had sex frequently and most of the time my wife obliged me as part of her wifely duties. As a part of my conversion, I learned about Catholic teaching on marital relations and how selfish I had been during our marriage. For me, sex was about self-gratification and not self-giving and true love.  Unfortunately, my actions are not without consequences. Now my wife really has little interest in making love This may be the result of many years of neglect on my part or it may just be part of who she is. I try to romance her, but much like the writer, I feel that sex would be an obligatory reward on her part and not a true desire. Needless to say, we have been in counseling to resolve some of these issues.

I recognize that men and women are different. As a man, I ask myself what I can DO to make her happy. I believe that doing and achieving are not as important in relationships as connecting on an emotional level. This is something that is very difficult for a male mind accustom to process and achievement. I think that what is important to her is romancing her just for the sake of romance, calling, letting her know that she is the priority in my life, dropping everything and listening to her when she has had a tough day, and making time to be available when she needs me. I recognize that this is part of my self-giving and I constantly need help from God to learn and meet her needs.

Men, on the other hand, need to know that we are loved, needed and even desired as a husband. But sex for personal satisfaction is empty. If we are waiting for Day 18 just so we can relieve ourselves, we will walk away feeling that we have just used our mate. It is a bitter taste and over time the pursuit of personal satisfaction and gratification are the same as a life spent chasing material items. The difference is that you are hurting the one you love the most.

I can assure you that I spend time praying for help from God. There are many times when more than 18 days pass without intimacy in our marriage. It is very easy to fill my needs at my wife’s expense. And when it happens I truly regret it. When I ask, God gives me strength to truly love my wife by cuddling without sex. When I began associating making love with remaking our wedding vows together with God and the three of us creating new life, making love took on a whole new meaning for me. We are men and abstaining can be difficult. However, I look to the example of our priests. Moreover, I look to the suffering of Jesus and compared to what he went through, living without intimacy is hardly an issue. Sometimes we need to spend time in the desert to truly appreciate who we are and what we have.

When I make love to my wife I don’t want her do it because she feels obliged. I want her to truly love, want and desire me. That means that sometimes I am in the desert for a long time waiting for her to call me home. Men gain a strong feeling of connection to their wives by making love. This is one aspect of our relationship that differentiates marriage from all other relationships. Without that aspect, our relationship is marginalized to that of roommates. When I am separated from making love to my wife, I feel distant. I look for distraction or a release. I may tend to jog more or work around the yard. Once again, this is wrong and I need prayer to help me keep my focus on my wife and her needs. For me this is a measure of my self-giving. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t many nights that I wish she would tell me she loves and desires me to make love to her.

To the man who hates NFP, I am not sure if NFP is truly the problem or merely an excuse. Would your life be different if Day 18 was everyday? Would any of your problems go away? I can’t give you specific advice for your marriage but I can tell you that NFP has helped me to more fully appreciate what making love to my wife truly means.