First things first: CONGRATULATIONS on the gift of your fifth child, and our deepest sympathy and prayers for you and your family as you grieve the early loss of your son or daughter to miscarriage. You probably have not received either of those sentiments enough. We are so sorry for the loss of your precious Baby.
Our family, too, is on our fifth child. We will be married 6 years this June, and we have welcomed 5 children and grieved the loss of our first three to miscarriage thus far. Currently, we are thrilled to be in the process of our second international adoption, and we can certainly relate to family and friends being less than enthusiastic about our dream of a large family. So, to answer your questions, these are some suggestions on how to handle stupid comments that real people say about large families and about miscarriage.
Regarding miscarriage: Draw close to God and close to your husband and kids. Spouses and children grieve and respond differently to loss. We cannot more highly recommend Kimberly Hahn’s book, Life Giving Love: Embracing God’s Beautiful Design For Marriage, especially Chapter 10, "Miscarriage and Stillbirth." The Hahns also lost three of their children to miscarriage and offer practical and spiritual help. Mrs. Hahn’s entire book (which is available from CCL) will be the friend who understands how you feel when other people in your life do not offer support. Some of her suggestions that are worth mentioning to the entire CCL reading audience are the fact that the Catholic Church allows and encourages the burial of children who are lost prematurely. Too many people are not aware of this fact! Our first three children are all resting in the Holy Innocents section of our local Catholic cemetery. It does not matter how far along you were in your pregnancy — the Catholic Church recognizes your child from the moment of conception. It is so helpful to be able to visit the cemetery on the due dates and miscarriage dates of our first blessings. Also, name your lost child and ask for their intercession. As the Hahns suggest, “Perhaps your child, as part of the communion of saints in heaven, could be a special intercessor for your family.” (p. 245)
Regarding large families: We won’t say too much on this because we know that a lot of CCL families will probably offer suggestions, but we wanted to share a bit of humor and two comments that we are currently using. When asked, “How many kids do you mean when you say LARGE family?” We respond, “LARGE means there is NOT a cap on how many children we will welcome — it means a MINIMUM of a handful.” And my personal favorite response that we have used because our family is not very enthusiastic about our not throwing big birthday bashes with everyone in our extended family, “You won’t mind so much when we have a dozen.”
Let’s offer listening ears and praying hearts when our friends and family members suffer from stupid comments and the pain of the loss of a child. Let’s keep our mouths shut and our ears open. May we use CCL and Family Foundations to encourage each other in our ever-growing faith and families!
— M. & V.F., IL
