Sadly, like you, I am a mother who experienced a miscarriage. I also lost my second child ten days after his birth due to a defect. While my children were the first and second conceived instead of the fifth, the comments that are meant to make us feel better sometimes just add to the hurt of the wound already endured. 

While hearing a comment, such as “There was something wrong with the baby,” hurts immensely, I think it is important to remember that the individual issuing such a comment usually has not experienced the trauma or loss that you recently have. It is their way of trying to help you.  Unfortunately, no words help in such cases of loss, but for some the silent sharing of pain, which I find is most needed in my times of such grief, is too much for some to bear. So they say whatever they can think of that might help you feel better about the loss. 

In answer to your question, when I am issued such a comment I silently send a prayer up to God. A prayer of thanks that this person has never had to experience such a loss and a prayer that they continue to be blessed. While the loss may hit closer to me and my husband than to anyone else, the loss does affect everyone around me. By sending up this silent prayer I am reminded of God’s goodness and the blessing that have been bestowed on me and my family. Other than that I ignore all the comments regarding whether I should have been pregnant in the first place or that the miscarriage was meant to be. These types of comments just show the ignorance or bias of others and do not merit any acknowledgement on your part.

— C.Z., OH